Archive | Uncategorized RSS feed for this section


23 Nov

From the Pen of Andrew Brewtbart…

A recent news item has come to my attention that demands the kind of special comment that only I, Andrew Brewtbart, the leading conservative voice of the coffee movement, can provide to you, my dear readers. It seems that a bed-head coiffed cabal of New York City baristi recently turned toe, with tails tucked betwixt their skinny jeans, and walked out of a so-called “throw down” that pitted them in Romanesque battle against baristi from our fair nation’s capital. To my mind, I can’t think of a scene less appealing; Washington DC, a city so corrupt that not even the Potomac’s cesspool of sludge can drain forthwith, squared off against 20-nothing hipsterati unisexual barista buffoons from the rotten core of the Big Apple. It’s enough to make me rethink my thrice-daily mastication regimen.

But why, dear readers, why did New York’s so-called representatives of countercultural coffee cache choose to disgrace themselves thusly, dodging the draft of competition in a fashion that can only be deemed “Clintonian”? Perhaps DC was bereft and derelict of the powdered delights WE KNOW fuel the shots and schleps of New York’s subhuman subway-dwellers? Were each and every one of them scheduled to perform a late-night “low-key DJ set” at some vomit-inducing Bushwick, Brooklyn booger sugar boogaloo?  Perhaps the whole journey inspired fear at being labeled “bridge-and-tunnel”; we know these shining examples of American youth are as useless as a Democratic Congress when exposed beyond the rat-and-roach infested confines of their Bed-Stuy tenament housing. Was the filth of our nation’s capitol not disgusting enough?

We’ll never know. And we don’t care.  Because we know THE TRUTH, dear readers. And these truths, which we’ve held to be self-serve evident, reveal to us the real motives and inspirations of these Blue State bloviates. Their refusal to serve coffee in DC reflects their political leanings. They won’t steam an almond milk, they won’t pour a rosette, they won’t snoot at your americano on ice until every last senator, congressman, appointee and czar has a (D) attached to his name. It’s the representation that ushers forth from the Red Blooded, Red Stated corners of the Real America that caused them to turn tail and run! And they won’t rest, up all night on all manner of Colombian jitters, until the House, the Senate, and the Executive Branch are controlled by the Obam-Maoist Democratic thugs. The thuggery!  Their walk-out was a political statement of the highest order, a call to revolt, an act of lilly-livered shirkaday which I, for one, find utterly revolting. I’m sure you’ll agree, dear readers, and that’s why you’re the most informed coffee cultural crusaders on God’s green earth.

Andrew Brewtbart, signing off.

The State of the Coffee Nation

11 Nov

From the desk of Andrew Brewtbart…

Dear readers, ’tis I, Andrew Brewtbart, roasting to the right of the mainstream coffee media, making versimilitudinous vichyssoise out of my so-called “competition” in the coffee world. My friends, it’s with a heavy heart I address the following issue… a major issue that’s rocked the coffee world like so many blacklit “party vans” at Carter-era counter culture “groove fests”.  I’ve done my best to hold my tongue,  biding my time, waiting for the cup to cool… lest my floral notes of noted opinion be introduced to your palates prematurely. But I can wait no longer; I must weigh in with my 30 grams of editorial wherewithal, using talent on loan…from God.

The issue is Nick Cho. Dozens upon dozens of fraud charges were filed against Cho just a few weeks ago, all stemming from a Potomac Swamp brew-haha over sales tax. I don’t want to haggle over the particulars; others in the coffee media have done so already, or tried their best. I want to address the deeper issue within these outrageous charges: the Stalin-esque system of fascistic tax demands that are currently oppressing the American Small Business Owner in these United States of America.

When we cheat on our taxes, who’s really to blame? Hard working coffee entrepreneurs? Men who rightly refuse to divulge even one penny of their expenditures elsewhere, choosing instead pour it all back into their American Dreams? Is such a man truly a criminal? Or rather, is our outrage better directed elsewhere? Perhaps at the dominant caste of currently elected officials… plutocratic Tax and Spendocrats, whose politburo politics amount to a pusillanimous bully’s pulpit, men and “women” who seek to take slake your hard-earned monies from you and rule you like a king! I am entitled to my opinion, America, and I for one feel that by being made to pay taxes at all, the heroes in our small-business coffee community pay taxes far too steep. Mr. Cho has bucked this trend by refusing to give in to the dystopic fiduciary demands of the District of Corruptia, and he should be recognized by both the right-wing and the WRONG wing as a true patriot. He is, quite simply, the Greatest Coffee Hero of our time.

My friends, taxes, at their very core, threaten the liberty of these United States. When you take sales tax out of the pockets of the Nick Chos and the Ken Nyes of the world, you may as well be putting on a Mao badge and singing “The Internationale” from your “Marx-Engels Reader”. The very thought disgusts me; I can barely finish this sentence, much less this cup of Panama Don Pachi.

Readers…this is America! I don’t want one DAMN penny of my coffee capital to fund the welfare tweens, public school poobahs, and food stamp foodies that draw much-needed federal funding away from these IMPORTANT issues:

Taxes are a fool’s errand, my friends, and make no mistake: Nick Cho’s call to action makes each and every law-abiding American look like a fool. But what’s worse, in my eyes, worse even than the fraudulently faux framings of fiduciary malfeasance lobbied against Mr. Cho, has been the tut-tutting and hen clucking of the online coffee community. There are only two kinds of Americans who claim to have never considered tax fraud: liars and communists. Like Henry David Thoreau before him, Nick Cho’s noble act of civil disobedience should be commended, canonized, and taught to our school children in lieu of Mr. Thoreau’s lesser “environmentalist” works. Why can’t these fools see that? I can’t stand the snickering, the blogging, and the tweets and twats of so many Tweetle-Dums in our the coffee community, who commit actionable liable each and every time they besmirch Mr. Cho’s good name. For shame.

Which is not to say I’m for wanton law breaking: I’m always sure to declare my concealed weapons at the airport, and I’ve not once begun a new marriage before legally dissolving the prior.  It’s important to remember that, as Americans, we live in a society of ethics. But make no mistake: ethics means one thing to us, and quite another to the liberal socialist elite of the Baristarati.

If you condemn Nick Cho, you condemn these great minds as well:

  1. Al Capone (entrepreneur)
  2. Willie Nelson (red-state troubadour)
  3. Mystikal (Grammy-nominated)
  4. Richard Pryor (civil rights activist)
  5. Sophia Loren (third wife)
  6. Richard Hatch (policy wonk)
  7. Barry Bonds (role model)
  8. Spiro Agnew (great American)
  9. Martha Stewart (great American)
  10. Luciano Pavoratti (enchanting)
  11. Don King (proud capitalist)
  12. Ronald Isley (brother)
  13. Ed McMahon (icon)
  14. Steffi Graff (sex symbol)
  15. Darryl Strawberry (not gay)

Tax cheats and fine Americans, all. May we pray that the Republican Nominees for judiciary in the District of Columbia prevail at exonerating Nicholas Cho for his so-called crimes, and that he be looked upon in the years to come as  an Oliver North-like figure of inspiration and unity for the coffee community. May his accusations be recused, washed away like so much filtered grind swirling down the copper drainpipe of freedom. For if a crime is committed in the name of liberty, then it is a crime of passion, and no crime at all.

Andrew Brewtbart, signing off.

The Second American Invasion of Canada

15 Oct


ANDREW BREWTBART HERE. ROASTING to the right of the mainstream coffee media. The Canadian Barista Competition is upon us, which can only mean one thing: the collective emptying of mother’s basements and hipster watering holes throughout the greater Vancouver metropolitan area.

You know that Vancouver? I’ll say one thing for it: it might be on the American continent, but it couldn’t be any less American if it tried. Granted, you can find a fine Cuban Cigar there, or perhaps a Chinese Donut, but if red-stated, red blooded Americanism is what you’re looking for – I suggest you look further!

Their socialized “wealth care” system is preposterious, and their legalized drug statutes are ludicrous. Their junkies clutter the street, clutching syringes in the gutter – exactly the same gutters in which disenfranchised Canadian CHILDREN drag their indoctrinated feet, on their way to and from an inferior public school system.

Ladies and gentlemen…the only legalized drug I’m interested in is coffee.

Coffee is my passion. My very reason for waking up in the morning – that and my fourth wife Trudy (I know a Cup of Excellence when I see it). What I’m DISinterested in is some 20-year-old mixed lifestyle celebrewty – pulling shots for reigning members of the brew-geoisie – who are more apt to judge contestants based on the age of their giblets rather than on the overall presentation of the bird. And mark my words, fair readers, only turkeys have left wings.

These competitions remind me of my trip to Venezuela. Underaged, exploited, put-out workers expected to shop their wears to the highest bidder. These baristi – each and every one a prospective butt boy to the Mark Princesses and Eric Perkkkunders of the world- are exactly the sort of criminal element that make up the seedy underbelly of our fair coffee community.

It would be one thing if such virulent perversion could be quarantined to our neighbor to the north. But you know as well as I, dear reader, this is simply not the case.

Wild accusations of criminal lasciviousness and tax cheatery have embroiled the Socialist Communist Anti-Americans – the SCAA – in a bubbling potboiler embroglio of resignations and recriminations the likes of which we haven’t seen since the days of Tammany Hall. I call on you, oh reasonable readers, to remain ever vigilant in your battle for the hearts and minds of the coffee world, and to take these so-called “leaders” to task for their wanton and brazen acts of buffoonery.

And never forget: their liberalism threatens our very way of life, drip by treasonous drip.

Andrew Brewtbart, signing off, filtering the grind.

The Truth on Coffee

2 Oct

Greetings Fellow Freedom Cuppers,

Andrew Brewtbart here, faithfully reporting for duty, roasting to the right of the mainstream coffee press. You know, friends,  we don’t just write the news here at Brewtbart; we feel a responsibility to you, to your intellect, to your very Americanism, to sift through the liberal grind of CoffeeWood and report to you the unadulterated, unfiltered truth. The Truth on Coffee.

You see, the powers that be in the coffee world, the drug takers and the free lovers, the Mark Princes and Liz Claytons, they’ll have you believe every last left-learning liberal lie that spews from their bilious beanholes, like so much spray frothed forth into our modest society’s spitcup. The Truth on Coffee is..our humble hobby, the very lifeblood that flows through our caffeined veins, is utterly controlled from the inside out by the Little Brown Mafia; the left-leaning anti-Ameri-crats who dominate our pursuit, mine and yours, of the perfect cuppa java.

And who will challenge them? Who will fight for you, oh humble reader? I alone, Andrew Brewtbart.  I will challenge the Social Communist Anti-Americans at the SCAA;  I alone will tamp down the Portafilters and shclep away the schlock proffered by the perverts at Barista Sexchange. I’m the only name in coffee you can trust, dear reader, and don’t you let the libs tell you otherwise. Don’t let them subvert your daughters and emasculate your sons. Don’t let them dissolve your nuclear families like so much hot water to flavor crystals. They support the wrong regimes, they lie to get their way, and they’ll grind to you into the ground with a Dumb-o-cratic deluge of delusional drip!

You’re smarter than that, dear reader. You demand the Truth on Coffee, the whole Truth on Coffee, and nothing but the Truth on Coffee. You won’t get it from that pink-haired, tattoo’d, alternative lifestyle practicing barista communista down the block; you won’t get it from Chairman Cho and his SCAA Politburo. You can only find it here.

Andrew Brewtbart, signing off.