Greeting my friends, ’tis I, Andrew Brewtbart, Americano Patriot and paragon of the Right, reporting to you with gravitas in my demitasse, bringing you a wordy shipwreck of talent on loan…from God. A three bean blend of Fidele, Intelli, and Fonzarelli, published author and memoirist, thrice banned from speaking publicly by the SCAA, the man who leaves the BGA Besotted with Great Anxiety.
These are dangerous times we’re living in. If Oliver Strand’s recent article on manual brewing in the New York Times Magazine has made anything clear, it’s that geek bloggers have no idea what’s going to happen 5 minutes from now. Chance are you are not familiar with geek bloggers – it’s the Gregs, Marks, Tonxes and Mikes, a regular gulag archipelago, itself a simpering smorgasbord of ex-home-barista circular jerkitude, each more negligable and irrelevent than the last. Geek blogs offer a near-constant stream of hup-tupping and tut-tutting that would make King Tutenkahmen blink. It’s a truly terrible niche, in which the authors time and again aim for the corrective, only to wind up nearer the rectal. This anal-retentive approach to coffee writing is the sort that only a proctologist could love, undoubtedly best left to the poop-deck of Captain Pollard’s whale-sunk Essex.
How many different versions of Satan, the devil, have you seen in your life? I mean, the comic book devil with the red face and the horns, seen that one. We’ve seen the Satanic devil of the horror films. We’ve seen the devil portrayed as just an average man, a human being, in the movie “Rosemary’s Baby”. We’ve seen the comic devil of TV shows. We’ve even seen the smooth, tempting devil in Hollywood moves. Are coffee geek blogs simply another way to portray Beelzebub?
I know: ‘Brewty, how could you? You don’t say this about anybody! Oh, Brewtbrewt, please back off, don’t go too far, you’re going to come off as so, oh, no, Brewty, please don’t. They’re so laid back, the trolls are so soft-spoken in person, they’re so friendly, how could you say that, please.”
To this I say, “my friends, if not for the grace of God go I, then whom?”. These websites are blithering, bilious balderdash of the worst order, exactly the sort of line-caught trolling chum best left to rot with Davy Jones.
As for you people in the third wave— don’t ever measure your success by how many know-nothing Geek Blog reports you see that are fair to you. Never going to happen. Don’t measure your success by how many people like you, and always remember one thing: these geek blogs, the Gregs of the world, they may drive with all their torque and muster from the same 5-wood platform as you or I. But they invariably swing to the Left, force themselves into bellicose bunkers of unbuttressed bunk, and wind up putting from the rough.
Thank you all very much. In Brewtbart we trust.