by Andrew C. Brewtbart, Esq, LLC
My friends, like the noblest of all creatures, the hermit crab, I write to you today from sunny Boca Raton, Florida, safely ensconced within the multitudinous comforts of my hermitage. Like all and sundry of the great thinkers in human history, I’ve been saddled with many dubious titulars throughout the course of my mortal coil shuffle: fusspot, charlatan, figment, pseudonym, beefbud, mackinaw, roustabout, and even insouciant. My reclusive ways led me to be dubbed “the J.D. Salinger of Specialty Coffee”, although, given my earthly designs and desires, I feel a comparison to Norman Mailer would be more apt. But you must never lose sight of what’s truly important, dear readers and fellow travelers: when it comes to the International Coffee Zeitgeist, mine is the only voice you can trust.
That’s because I’m unswayed by the bloat, unmoved by the bile, and profoundly disengorged from the oogling orgy of organizational Orwellianism that calls itself the SCAA. I’ve heard, through that edifice most distasteful known as “the grape vine”, that my absence at this year’s Anaheim pat-on-the-backathon was greatly felt; the dearth of my countenance invited reverberations that shook that Convention Center to its very core, opening up the great screaming maw of the San Andreas and threatening to swallow whole Walt Disney’s pantheon to Germanic values. There may have been brewbars, but there was no Brewtbart.
Why? Why did I stay home at my palatial grand Floridan estate, with my wife, our standard poodle (“Nancy”), and my small army of aides-de-camp? For one simple reason: only simplistic minds attend symposiums for simpletons. It’s all a bunch of balderdash! I needn’t sally forth to the concrete enclave of Anaheim just to be bombarded by so much bombast, dross and piss-poor pish-posh. There’s already quite enough of that sort of hive mind swan dive swine drivel available online. I instead chose to take my sabbatical into the jungles of Venezuela, to commensurately refuel my appetites and refill my prescriptions. Suffice it to say, I stand by my itinerary.
And so, my friends, the world moves on. It spins away from the nonsense of Anaheim and back towards topics most prescient; namely, me. My identity cannot be bought, and it most certainly will not be sold, not for all the dirty money found in a thousand Dirty Cups. I’ve heard all the rumors, of USBC judges ruining their palates and chances at salvation with salacious behavior most egregious. I know the score, having kept daily tablature rasa of the crimes and sins committed by faux facilitators of coffee calabash who pass themselves off as “upstanding”. You can book your buttboys first class, swaddle them in finery, and force them into by-the-shot indentured servitude, but you cannot buy legitimacy and you shall not tempt me out of hiding to attend your fête. Buttons to you, SCAA 2010. Buttons.
No, instead I journeyed to Latin America, site of nearly a dozen Brewtbartian conquests, political and otherwise. But fear not, my friends, for this sojourn was not merely some single-engine Cessna joyride through Cuban airspace; it was a “working vacation”. You see, my absence at this year’s SCAA has a fundamentally American entrepreneurial inspiration at its chassis. I’ve been hard at work, drafting, blustering, and conjuring up heretofore unimagined applications of the English language for my first full-length treatise on the state of our coffee nation. With talent on loan from God Himself, I’m in the final stages of completing my tome. The inspired title? “SCAA-NDALOUS: Righting the Wrongs of America’s Coffee Taliban”.
This bone-jarring appellative alone has doubtlessly set your heart aflutter. But fear not, my osteoporotic, palpatudinous cohorts, for decisive action awaits you! This stunning volume can soon be yours: I’m now currently accepting pre-orders for the first edition of “SCAA-NDALOUS”. For a mere $10 USD (no pesos), you’ll earn the right to wait patiently at the top of the list for your very own first edition of my groundbreaking page turner. Help put the “f.u.” in the downfall of the mellifluous SCAA by pre-ordering your very own copy today. But that’s not all! Your $10 advance placement also earns you lifetime allegiance in the Brewtbart League of Rights, including an autographed membership card stamped by yours truly. You’ll also be entered into a drawing to secure purchasing rights for a rare remaining copy of my earlier works, including titles such as “Jimmy Carter: A Nation’s Disgrace” (1982 Conservative Book Of The Month Club Selection), and “The Conservative and Consuelo”, my fictional account of one man’s love affair behind the Sandinista burlap curtain. Lastly, you’ll receive exclusive updates from me, Andrew Brewtbart, as a member of my exclusive “Red, White and Brew” e-mail circular.
All this can be yours for a mere $10 USD. Order today, and make the world safe for concerned coffee conservatism.
In the meantime, know that I am here, safe within the automated security perimeter of my suburban compound, pen in hand, COE on the in-season siphon, drafting and crafting as I gild the literary lily atop my shocking tell-all exposé. The truth shall be revealed. Sip your coffee, send me $10, and remember: in the International Coffee Zeitgeist, there is no Right and Left…only Right and Wrong.
In Brewtbart we trust.
Andrew Brewtbart, signing off.