From the Pen of Andrew Brewtbart…
A recent news item has come to my attention that demands the kind of special comment that only I, Andrew Brewtbart, the leading conservative voice of the coffee movement, can provide to you, my dear readers. It seems that a bed-head coiffed cabal of New York City baristi recently turned toe, with tails tucked betwixt their skinny jeans, and walked out of a so-called “throw down” that pitted them in Romanesque battle against baristi from our fair nation’s capital. To my mind, I can’t think of a scene less appealing; Washington DC, a city so corrupt that not even the Potomac’s cesspool of sludge can drain forthwith, squared off against 20-nothing hipsterati unisexual barista buffoons from the rotten core of the Big Apple. It’s enough to make me rethink my thrice-daily mastication regimen.
But why, dear readers, why did New York’s so-called representatives of countercultural coffee cache choose to disgrace themselves thusly, dodging the draft of competition in a fashion that can only be deemed “Clintonian”? Perhaps DC was bereft and derelict of the powdered delights WE KNOW fuel the shots and schleps of New York’s subhuman subway-dwellers? Were each and every one of them scheduled to perform a late-night “low-key DJ set” at some vomit-inducing Bushwick, Brooklyn booger sugar boogaloo? Perhaps the whole journey inspired fear at being labeled “bridge-and-tunnel”; we know these shining examples of American youth are as useless as a Democratic Congress when exposed beyond the rat-and-roach infested confines of their Bed-Stuy tenament housing. Was the filth of our nation’s capitol not disgusting enough?
We’ll never know. And we don’t care. Because we know THE TRUTH, dear readers. And these truths, which we’ve held to be self-serve evident, reveal to us the real motives and inspirations of these Blue State bloviates. Their refusal to serve coffee in DC reflects their political leanings. They won’t steam an almond milk, they won’t pour a rosette, they won’t snoot at your americano on ice until every last senator, congressman, appointee and czar has a (D) attached to his name. It’s the representation that ushers forth from the Red Blooded, Red Stated corners of the Real America that caused them to turn tail and run! And they won’t rest, up all night on all manner of Colombian jitters, until the House, the Senate, and the Executive Branch are controlled by the Obam-Maoist Democratic thugs. The thuggery! Their walk-out was a political statement of the highest order, a call to revolt, an act of lilly-livered shirkaday which I, for one, find utterly revolting. I’m sure you’ll agree, dear readers, and that’s why you’re the most informed coffee cultural crusaders on God’s green earth.
Andrew Brewtbart, signing off.