The State of the Coffee Nation

11 Nov

From the desk of Andrew Brewtbart…

Dear readers, ’tis I, Andrew Brewtbart, roasting to the right of the mainstream coffee media, making versimilitudinous vichyssoise out of my so-called “competition” in the coffee world. My friends, it’s with a heavy heart I address the following issue… a major issue that’s rocked the coffee world like so many blacklit “party vans” at Carter-era counter culture “groove fests”.  I’ve done my best to hold my tongue,  biding my time, waiting for the cup to cool… lest my floral notes of noted opinion be introduced to your palates prematurely. But I can wait no longer; I must weigh in with my 30 grams of editorial wherewithal, using talent on loan…from God.

The issue is Nick Cho. Dozens upon dozens of fraud charges were filed against Cho just a few weeks ago, all stemming from a Potomac Swamp brew-haha over sales tax. I don’t want to haggle over the particulars; others in the coffee media have done so already, or tried their best. I want to address the deeper issue within these outrageous charges: the Stalin-esque system of fascistic tax demands that are currently oppressing the American Small Business Owner in these United States of America.

When we cheat on our taxes, who’s really to blame? Hard working coffee entrepreneurs? Men who rightly refuse to divulge even one penny of their expenditures elsewhere, choosing instead pour it all back into their American Dreams? Is such a man truly a criminal? Or rather, is our outrage better directed elsewhere? Perhaps at the dominant caste of currently elected officials… plutocratic Tax and Spendocrats, whose politburo politics amount to a pusillanimous bully’s pulpit, men and “women” who seek to take slake your hard-earned monies from you and rule you like a king! I am entitled to my opinion, America, and I for one feel that by being made to pay taxes at all, the heroes in our small-business coffee community pay taxes far too steep. Mr. Cho has bucked this trend by refusing to give in to the dystopic fiduciary demands of the District of Corruptia, and he should be recognized by both the right-wing and the WRONG wing as a true patriot. He is, quite simply, the Greatest Coffee Hero of our time.

My friends, taxes, at their very core, threaten the liberty of these United States. When you take sales tax out of the pockets of the Nick Chos and the Ken Nyes of the world, you may as well be putting on a Mao badge and singing “The Internationale” from your “Marx-Engels Reader”. The very thought disgusts me; I can barely finish this sentence, much less this cup of Panama Don Pachi.

Readers…this is America! I don’t want one DAMN penny of my coffee capital to fund the welfare tweens, public school poobahs, and food stamp foodies that draw much-needed federal funding away from these IMPORTANT issues:

Taxes are a fool’s errand, my friends, and make no mistake: Nick Cho’s call to action makes each and every law-abiding American look like a fool. But what’s worse, in my eyes, worse even than the fraudulently faux framings of fiduciary malfeasance lobbied against Mr. Cho, has been the tut-tutting and hen clucking of the online coffee community. There are only two kinds of Americans who claim to have never considered tax fraud: liars and communists. Like Henry David Thoreau before him, Nick Cho’s noble act of civil disobedience should be commended, canonized, and taught to our school children in lieu of Mr. Thoreau’s lesser “environmentalist” works. Why can’t these fools see that? I can’t stand the snickering, the blogging, and the tweets and twats of so many Tweetle-Dums in our the coffee community, who commit actionable liable each and every time they besmirch Mr. Cho’s good name. For shame.


Which is not to say I’m for wanton law breaking: I’m always sure to declare my concealed weapons at the airport, and I’ve not once begun a new marriage before legally dissolving the prior.  It’s important to remember that, as Americans, we live in a society of ethics. But make no mistake: ethics means one thing to us, and quite another to the liberal socialist elite of the Baristarati.

If you condemn Nick Cho, you condemn these great minds as well:

  1. Al Capone (entrepreneur)
  2. Willie Nelson (red-state troubadour)
  3. Mystikal (Grammy-nominated)
  4. Richard Pryor (civil rights activist)
  5. Sophia Loren (third wife)
  6. Richard Hatch (policy wonk)
  7. Barry Bonds (role model)
  8. Spiro Agnew (great American)
  9. Martha Stewart (great American)
  10. Luciano Pavoratti (enchanting)
  11. Don King (proud capitalist)
  12. Ronald Isley (brother)
  13. Ed McMahon (icon)
  14. Steffi Graff (sex symbol)
  15. Darryl Strawberry (not gay)

Tax cheats and fine Americans, all. May we pray that the Republican Nominees for judiciary in the District of Columbia prevail at exonerating Nicholas Cho for his so-called crimes, and that he be looked upon in the years to come as  an Oliver North-like figure of inspiration and unity for the coffee community. May his accusations be recused, washed away like so much filtered grind swirling down the copper drainpipe of freedom. For if a crime is committed in the name of liberty, then it is a crime of passion, and no crime at all.

Andrew Brewtbart, signing off.

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