GREETING FELLOW FREEDOM CUPPERS,
ANDREW BREWTBART HERE. ROASTING to the right of the mainstream coffee media. The Canadian Barista Competition is upon us, which can only mean one thing: the collective emptying of mother’s basements and hipster watering holes throughout the greater Vancouver metropolitan area.
You know that Vancouver? I’ll say one thing for it: it might be on the American continent, but it couldn’t be any less American if it tried. Granted, you can find a fine Cuban Cigar there, or perhaps a Chinese Donut, but if red-stated, red blooded Americanism is what you’re looking for – I suggest you look further!
Their socialized “wealth care” system is preposterious, and their legalized drug statutes are ludicrous. Their junkies clutter the street, clutching syringes in the gutter – exactly the same gutters in which disenfranchised Canadian CHILDREN drag their indoctrinated feet, on their way to and from an inferior public school system.
Ladies and gentlemen…the only legalized drug I’m interested in is coffee.
Coffee is my passion. My very reason for waking up in the morning – that and my fourth wife Trudy (I know a Cup of Excellence when I see it). What I’m DISinterested in is some 20-year-old mixed lifestyle celebrewty – pulling shots for reigning members of the brew-geoisie – who are more apt to judge contestants based on the age of their giblets rather than on the overall presentation of the bird. And mark my words, fair readers, only turkeys have left wings.
These competitions remind me of my trip to Venezuela. Underaged, exploited, put-out workers expected to shop their wears to the highest bidder. These baristi – each and every one a prospective butt boy to the Mark Princesses and Eric Perkkkunders of the world- are exactly the sort of criminal element that make up the seedy underbelly of our fair coffee community.
It would be one thing if such virulent perversion could be quarantined to our neighbor to the north. But you know as well as I, dear reader, this is simply not the case.
Wild accusations of criminal lasciviousness and tax cheatery have embroiled the Socialist Communist Anti-Americans – the SCAA – in a bubbling potboiler embroglio of resignations and recriminations the likes of which we haven’t seen since the days of Tammany Hall. I call on you, oh reasonable readers, to remain ever vigilant in your battle for the hearts and minds of the coffee world, and to take these so-called “leaders” to task for their wanton and brazen acts of buffoonery.
And never forget: their liberalism threatens our very way of life, drip by treasonous drip.
Andrew Brewtbart, signing off, filtering the grind.